#1 Girlfriends Rule – Part II When The “Friends” Meet Again
Posted by: mrsclomax on: July 17, 2009
Greetings All!!
Please forgive my delay….was a little busy having another baby (5/25 we welcomed our daughter, Ayries Elizabeth) and all that goes with that:) But I am back now to finish Part II of the #1 Girlfriends Rule as promised.
So….the in the last post I was a little vocal about my feelings toward friends dating X-es; [See previous post for my definition of friends and X-es]. In that post I posed the question – is the so called thirsty friend who dates your leftovers jealous of your relationship or curious about the X’s performance as a boyfriend based on your accounts of the relationship so she has to find out for herself? Whatever her motive, it’s stank in my opinion.
Now, the two once-upon-a-time-friends still travel in the same circles and therefore it is very possible for them to run into each other. The unfortunate thing here is that the dude will probably always have the quiet internal celebration that he thinks the two women aren’t friends any longer or have tension between them because of him and in an indirect way, he is right. However, there is a larger issue at play here that he probably will never understand simply because he is a man.
You see, men don’t mind sleeping with their boys’ X-es, once they are done with her they are done with her and they usually feel no way about it UNLESS she is wifey or was considered potential wifey but that is another blog for another day.
The two friends will never be friends again – ever. They may be cordial and the first girlfriend will act as though she is over the previous relationship and in large part, she may be, but she will still dislike the so-called friend for violating the Girlfriend’s Rule. The new girlfriend/wife will be noticeably uncomfortable around the old girlfriend so much so that she will hide from her, avoid her calls and emails and downright panic every time the old girlfriend is mentioned or is around. Remember, they were friends, good girlfriends and 9 times out of 10 – they had the Girlfriends Rule conversation (as most girlfriends do) and more importantly, she knows that the X will always have feelings for the first girl – remember their break-up wasn’t ugly, they just decided that they weren’t right for each other and decided to remain friends. At the end of the day it will be easier for girlfriend/wifey #2 to stay away and try to frequent different social circles in an effort to not run into girlfriend #1 and she may be successful with that but at the end of the day she still has to look herself in the mirror and live with the fact that she betrayed her friend and maybe that is ok with her because the man was more important than the friendship.
So I say this…if you are one of those girlfriends who believes that having a man by any means necessary is more important than maintaining a true friendship then so be it but my mama always told me…men will come and go but a girlfriend, a true girlfriend, is irreplaceable and will always be there.
Peace Y’all.
#1 Girlfriend Rule – Is It Dead & Gone?
Posted by: mrsclomax on: April 30, 2009
In this day and age of quality women outnumbering quality men – at least in my circle of reference and living – I understand as well as the next woman that when you come across a good man that treats you well, loves your children (if you already have them), is well educated or at least can hold it down b/c not every good man necessarily has a formal education….blah blah blah – that a sister pretty much jumps on the opportunity to make a marital match or long-term relationship match. BUT do we no longer draw the line anymore at marrying/seriously dating/screwing – a good girlfriends EX to secure our own happiness?
First of all, let me quantify what an EX is – I am not talking about a jump off or some guy – I am talking about a REAL ex. Like together for years type EX. Like we would have had a child together type EX. Like you were around (“girlfriend”) to see all the birthdays, weekend getaways, Christmas plans and sometimes future plans with him type EX.
Secondly, let me quantify what a girlfriend is – Also not some random chic that you knew mutually through another friend or something like that. I am talking about been there through it all for some long portion of your life type girlfriend. Like party together, cry together, spend girlfriend getaways with type girlfriend.
When I was growing up, my Mama told me “Never poke in someone else’s ashes – especially someone you are friends with.” I didn’t understand it then but boy, did I understand it when I got older. By the time I entered the dating arena, a girlfriends’ EX was OFF LIMITS. Period. End of discussion. There was no need for explanation, no need for questions. It was just that way. Hell, even ELEMENTARY school girls play the “I saw him first” game!! So, it was the unspoken rule – you just didn’t poke in someone else’s ashes – especially not your girls’….Oh but times have CLEARLY changed in this here millenium!
I am no psychologist, but I think its desperation – plain and simple – ladies have we become soooooo pressed and thirsty to be in a relationship that we would pick-up our girls’ leftovers and enjoy life forever more as her sloppy seconds? Now I am not naive, I know that sometimes by chance you may find out that a girl you once knew in passing that sat across the hall from you at work once dated someone that you are now seeing but you didn’t really KNOW her, you would be considered colleagues but not friends – so I am not talking about situations like those. SIDEBAR: Now the dude has some responsibility in this too – yes, but come on, we are talking about men. Men don’t care about this kind of stuff. They shake on it and move on. Besides, I am talking to women anyway.
Back to the subject…
So now here you are, graduated from college, working, doing the single/mingle thing, you happen across your girl’s ex-boyfriend/husband/man while you are out and about….and so it begins. You remember that he and your girl were tight, you remember how good he treated her, how much fun they had together, but most importantly – YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOUR GIRL LOVED/CARED FOR HIM. Now you, may or may not still talk to your girl and honestly, your current status as friends is irrelevant, the point is you were once tight with her and you knew they were in a relationship and you were privy to information and witnessed or heard about their relationship firsthand.
So now I want to know what goes through the mind of this trifling, scandalous female?? At what point does your mind/heart say it’s OK for you to start dating this man? Were you secretly jealous of her all along and envied her relationship that much? Do you have to convince yourself that its okay to date him? Let’s face it, any halfway upstanding person has some level of a conscience and I refuse to believe that the thought never crosses your mind that this may be a little stank on some level. To take it a step further – how do you feel when you have to see your girl and you are now with her EX? Do you feel compelled to hide or explain yourself? What happens if you find out that your girl and your NOW man/husband/boyfriend never stopped being friends they just decided that they weren’t right for each other in a relationship – are you now insecure about their relationship?
Next blog – What happens when the two “friends” happen to meet again.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Fake & Phony Folks
Posted by: mrsclomax on: April 26, 2009
I usually don’t do this but uh…..
Lately, a friend of mine and I have been inundated with seriously fake folks. I don’t know how to respond or how to react to it anymore other than cutting them off at the knees – figuratively speaking. My patience is too thin.
I will admit that in my younger years I was often charged with the crime of being “fake”. I am woman enough to admit that at that point in my life I was indeed fake by my own standards – my need to please people and not to have folks mad at me or disliking me was greater than being honest with people. I pretended that I gave a flip about folks that I didn’t or that I was cool with folks that I wasn’t…and if that wasn’t bad enough, I would then go and share my true feelings with people that I THOUGHT were my friends and then I was “outed” — I was “fake”. The kiss of death amongst collegiate social circles.
But that was then…
Now, I am completely the opposite and it is sooooo liberating! (Thanks BFF for that 
) It has gotten easier to simply say to someone, “There really isn’t any reason to carry on this conversation because I don’t really care what you do.” OR “No, I don’t want to join you for dinner and while I appreciate the gesture, you don’t have to extend an invitation just because I happen to be standing here and you are going to dinner/drinks with her.” *<– Real things that I have said to real people. But is there a such thing as being TOO real? I think that there is a way to be honest without being hurtful but sometimes I have a hard time finding it, particularly when I am dealing with fake folks. You would think that I would be a little more compassionate but my tolerance level is soooooo low when I KNOW you are not being real.
Ride with me for a minute on this one…. So not too long ago my friend *Theresa made a life changing decision that required the support and assistance of friends. She was not worried when she made this life-changing decision because she had been a part of so many groups, circles of “friends” and organizations that when the time came for her to require their assistance, it should have been as easy as making a few phone calls and the people would have been there. Right? WRONG. When the time came for rubber to meet the road practically NO ONE had her back. I was there to help but was not able to be as helpful as I wanted to be b/c of my pregnant state. Hell, an associate that she knew in passing on her block was more helpful than the folks she had been a shoulder to cry on/ a listening ear/ a supportive colleague to. When it was time for the real folks to stand up you would have thought that she cursed EVERYBODY’S mama for filth and slashed all their tires! Theresa was devastated and couldn’t understand what she possibly could have done to deserve this treatment. We were both stunned at the behavior of one person in particular – a person that had called herself a friend and ALWAYS wore her ear out with her personal drama and issues and Theresa was always available for her, always there but when the tables were turned – she was nowhere to be found – literally. What makes people act this way? We are talking about GROWN A** WOMEN/MEN and it doesn’t make any dizzam sense.
Theresa is the type of person that would rather you just be honest and upfront in the beginning so she will be able to act accordingly. She pretty much takes you at face value and goes from there – no love lost, no harm no foul. So she is the LAST person that one should feel they need to be fake to. As a matter of fact, she is probably THE realeast person I know.
So once the dust settled and Theresa was settled in her new beginnings these SAME heffas had the audacity to catch an attitude with her for not blowing their phones up or calling them to touch base about HER mental/emotional status…. FOR REAL THOUGH?? I thought SHE was the one that made the change – you should be calling her right??? I don’t know – maybe it’s me. The fake folks actually got attitudes with HER – amazing. No. Really. Amazing. While this particular situation didn’t happen to me, I completely identify with it and can truly go on and on all day with similar stories but I won’t….there will be other blog posts, other days;).
Well that is my soapbox….just had to get it off my chest and post my petition for realness. Maybe I’ll start a campaign kinda like Diddy’s – instead of “No Bi***@ssness” mine will be “No FAKE@ssness”??? Kind of catchy huh?
*name has been changed.
Random Acts of Racism
Posted by: mrsclomax on: February 20, 2009
- In: Lifestyle
- 2 Comments
What is up with the past few weeks…”Drunken Negro Face Cookies“, Murdered Monkeys – will salty crackers EVER get over it?!?!?
I don’t typically write about political stuff, I am not an analyst and quite frankly, I don’t care what “side of the aisle” you represent. Politics is a very personal issue that I don’t engage in with folks outside my immediate circle of influence because folks are ignorant/crazy/disrespectful and sometimes just plan stupid when it comes to the matter of respecting others’ opinion. That being said, what is up with the recent outpourings of seriously distastefully racist showings?
Let’s take the salty cracker baker-in-chief of Lafayette French Pastry in Greenwich New York…the creator of the “Drunken Negro Face” cookies. This man not only came up with the brilliant idea to create the cookies but he actually went through with it! Once you watch the video of him being interviewed, you have a moment where you think, “Is he kidding???” because he acts as though he is completely shocked that people have taken offense to not only what the cookies look like – VERY ugly depiction of what he thinks black folks look like – but also the name that he gave the cookies. He even goes on to say to some patrons that Obama will take the same path that Lincoln took, trying to clean it up he says …”No by that I mean, him being from Chicago right??” WHATEVER DUDE.
I will say it again here like I said it to some of my friends, these are the type of folks that I personally cannot stand the most – modern day racists. These types of racists do something so blatantly obvious and when a person of sound mind identifies correctly what it is they have done – they back peddle and are shocked and astounded that people are viewing what they say/did/wrote in such a negative way. I honestly respect post-civil rights racists so much more – at least I am fully aware of how you feel and where you are coming from, these coward @ss racists make me sick! The bottom line here is he doesn’t like that there is a black man serving as President so he used his bakery as a soap box to say it. Fine, you have that right just as patrons have the right to not patronize your store. But if you ’bout it, be ’bout it and don’t apologize for it but be prepared for the repercussions and backlash.
Next up we have the NY Rag – I mean NY Post. Seriously. A parody guys?? Why insult our intelligence? Even if we buy the argument that the cartoon wasn’t solely about Obama but EVERYONE that wrote the bill (yeah right), why be so flagrant with the animal selected to depict as murdered in the cartoon? Why not a giraffe or a goat? Just not the same shock value you get when you put a MONKEY in the cartoon – an animal that has historically been used to refer to people of African decent. I would even go on to say that this can even be taken as a blatant threat on his life but I’d probably be accused of taking it too far, right?
I am sure most African-Americans knew deep down inside that the closet racists would finally come out and show their faces after Obama was elected. But that election happened not just because black folks voted for him but because America voted for him. America believed in the hope that electing Obama stood for. The hope for change in a country that has historically remained the same from president to president, decade to decade. It is sad to say, but I cannot begin to count how many of these closet-racists that I unknowingly came in contact with daily to my surprise either at work or in my neighborhood. I literally had some neighbors and even parents at my sons’ schools stop speaking to me!
I still believe in the hope that Barack Obama stands for and I still believe that individually we all can do something to invite change to our personal circumstances but the more hopeful I become, the more doubtful I become as well when I see and hear stuff like this in the news. And don’t be fooled – this is just the stuff we HEAR about. I am sure there are thousands of other stories that don’t make the news that are happening every day.
So sad.
I’m Baaaaaacccckkkk!
Posted by: mrsclomax on: February 19, 2009
- In: Lifestyle
- 2 Comments
Okay so sue me.
I have been on a brief – okay maybe not so brief – hiatus but so much has happened in the past few months that I cannot even begin to tell you in one blog how crazy things have been…where should I start?
For one – I am pregnant – AGAIN! Yep, baby number three is on HER way (teehee) and I am 6 months prego. Me and the Mr. Man are very excited to meet our new little one but it has been a whirlwind. I cannot even begin to tell you how loudly I screamed when I found out we were having a girl. While I love my boys with all my heart, the fact is I am outnumbered in my house and burping, farting and pee contests – literally – have taken their toll on my 100% girly-frilly-pink self and I am ready for some sugar and spice and everything nice.
Second – I moved. Although I am still in the same general area it was a move nonetheless. What in God’s name was I thinking to do this while I am pregnant I have NO idea.
Third – My best friend moved. I won’t be selfish and say that she ruined my life by making this decision because it was the best decision for her and something she really needed to do to get level-headed, centered and re-focused on God and the things that matter FOR REAL but I miss her terribly.
Fourth – I am a FB addict. So…really, all the time that I have been on FB in the past 6 months I could have written about 30 blog posts by now. But I have lazily chosen to do the easy thing and keep up with the times via my FB page. Lame, I know, but you can’t be mad at me for being truthful.
So, now that I have gotten you up to speed on all of the happenings of CeeLove, let’s jump on the matter at hand. Chris “Looks-So-Innocent-He-Doesn’t-Even-Look-A-Day-Over-16″ Brown is whooping folks @ss???? For real Chris?
I am not making light of this situation AT ALL but I am shocked and astonished that this has transpired, especially because it is Chris Brown! Regardless of who the alleged young lady is, I am so pissed off with the whole issue of domestic violence that I had to come out of my hibernation to “speak” on it.
When I first heard the news of Chris Brown, it was kind of the feeling I got when I finally got out of denial about Whitney “Hell To The Naw” Houston being a crackhead and R.Kelly peeing on pubescent girls – I felt betrayed. When are the record companies going to get a clue that eventually, the image that you are trying to create and the real person will inevitably collide and everyone is like WTF??? Who is this person? Now, deep down inside, I know that Chris, Whitney, R. Kelly, *insert celebrity name here* is just a human with flaws, shortcomings and issues but it is only human nature to put “them” on a pedestal. It is unfair but it is a fact. We do it with pastors too, i.e. Juanita Bynum and her ex-husband – again, unfair but we do it nevertheless.
My feelings about this matter are “muddy” for lack of a better word. For starters, my boys LOVE Chris Brown. They both think they can do all that poppin’, lockin’, swervin’, flippin’ stuff that he does and both spend countless hours practicing their CB moves in front of the TV/mirror/me and they are not ashamed. Is he their role model? NO. Does him hitting a woman make him any less a phenomenal dancer? NOT AT ALL. But I feel some kind of way about my boys mocking him now, not sure what that means, but I feel some kind of way.
Secondly, and most importantly, I think men who put their hands on women are weak, inferior and riddled with all kinds of mama/daddy issues and I am sick to my stomach with how domestic violence is handled in this country. Have you ever had to make a domestic dispute call or seen one unfold before your eyes? If not, you would be astonished at the level of disregard that the police take to such calls. Additionally, once the call is taken and the woman actually is able to get an order of restraint or something, there is NOTHING keeping the man from getting to the woman if he really wants to. I don’t have the energy, space or time to go into how many dead women have resulted from violated “restraining orders” or the lack of appropriate response to repeated calls/complaints from women about a man that is abusing her or has threatened her life. Those in PG County might recall the woman doused with lighter fluid and set on fire by her ex-husband in broad daylight at her job in Clinton, MD and guess what – she had a “restraining order” that was lifted three-weeks prior by a judge whom, in all fairness, has since been removed from domestic violence cases.
Finally, victims of abuse must be taken seriously and given the proper tools and resources to get out of the situations they are in when they want help. I know there are plenty of women who choose to stay in abusive relationships for whatever reason – I am not judging them nor I am referring to them here. I am speaking of those women who want to get out. Too many times women are found injured, hurt or worst – dead because of their words falling on deaf ears. We as women should not be taken any less seriously just because we may be emotional nor should the male-dominant society laugh or think we are full of “drama” when we say, ”This man is crazy and should be removed from society or my general area ASAP.” We should not have to be the ones who run and hide and live a life of secrecy in the shadows for fear of being found by our estranged husbands or ex-boyfriends. There are House Of Ruth’s all over that are filled with women and their children that have decided to live a life like that for the health and safety of she and her child(ren).
Chris Brown has admitted that he grew up in a house where he watched his daddy abuse his mother and it is proven that children that grow up in homes where they witness abuse grow up to be abusers themselves. It is my hope that he and every other man who finds himself in a serious situation like this and cannot control his anger gets help. Chris Brown is a very talented young man and it is a shame that his career and life as he knows it is now in jeopardy because he doesn’t have the restraint and self-control to walk away and cool off before deciding to put his hands on a woman.
Peace Y’all – until next time.
